Why is it such a sensitive subject?
Why are we afraid to admit that we struggle with depression and/or anxiety?
Why do we think it makes us less of a person or so different than anyone around us?
I admit that in the past I’ve been afraid to admit that I suffer from depression and severe anxiety. I was afraid of the judgement and the possibility of being considered too emotional or flaky by people around me. Anxiety makes it hard for me to look people in the eye, which makes me feel self conscious, thinking ‘what is the person I’m talking to thinking.’
Do I take medication? Yes. Do I have an emergency supply of Xanax on me at all times? Yes. Have I gone to counseling for it? Definitely. Medication works for me for a time but when it starts to wear off or starts to lose its effectiveness I can feel it. I get frustrated quickly, over silly things like my keys getting caught on something. That reminds me, I need to take that stupid anchor off my keys so it stops getting caught. Anyway, xanax does not help me in the way it is described, meaning it does not stop the anxiety attack, the placebo effect stops the anxiety attack and the drug makes me sleepy so that makes me relax. This is where the whole picture gets frustrating, at least for me, maybe you or others too. Most of these medications take time to build up and work and then, take time to ween off which then means it takes time to find the right one. This adds to the frustration when you just want to level out and feel ‘normal’ but you have to wait for the antidepressant to make friends with the off balance chemicals in your brain, all while the medical chemicals are blindfolded and trying to find the off balanced new friends in the dark. Have I lost you yet? This is how I envision the process going on in my head as I start taking a new medication. Most of the time that’s also how it feels, dizzy, spacey, tired, and random dry heaving have been some of the side effects I’ve had to deal with when trying new meds, fun times.
I’m not trying to make a joke out of mental health and the struggle that can come from it. This is just how I rationalize it for me. Sarcasm and humor, even dry humor, work for me but may not work for everyone. I take it seriously even if I don’t always show it. I miss my counselor, I finally found a good one and now have to start the process again after moving two hours away from my last one.
The struggle with weight compounds on the normal daily struggle. As I try to get myself back into being as motivation and determined as I used to be I find myself getting frustrated because it’s not as easy as it was before even though I really want to lose the weight I’ve gained in the last year. Have I that it’s a vicious cycle because it is. I don’t care what people think at the gym, I’m there for me and to make myself better. My anxiety makes me think that everyone is staring at me though and that makes me uncomfortable. I know they aren’t but I feel like I’m being watched. I also feel like I’m not good enough for me because I’ve lost strength and endurance since dropping off of my consistent workouts and runs. I have gotten better at not beating myself up because I’m not where I used to be, I do my best to remind myself that I will get there or close to it again. It takes time. This usually helps me stay calm and not give up, usually.
Ok rambling done for this post. I’m sure I’ll read this over a million times and fix or add things because I’m a perfectionist sometimes.
Fun fact: I didn’t know I had anxiety until I went to hair school and freaked out as I was walking through the salon floor because I was surrounded by mirrors.
The Not So Roaming Gnome 